


Push

by NerdyWolfy



Series: Writing Drabbles [11]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Au where Connor didn't die, F/M, One Shot, also buckle your seat-belts kiddies cause this was a ride, also may not be a oneshot and turned into a full-fledged ff, just a sliiight change in the beginning of it that is canon, sorry no gay (I'm honestly just a hetero person for some reason even though I'm bi-curious)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 16:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16537787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdyWolfy/pseuds/NerdyWolfy
Summary: Meeting Connor Murphy was a total accident, especially being with the kid who literally hated his guts. Willing to work with Connor? That was my intention. My name is Amity, and yep, if you look it up it means friendship.Connor was out of control, angry, and afraid.I was cool, calm, and collected.If there was something I was going to do in life that meant the world to someone else, it was that I was going to befriend the impossible kid, even if he needed a little push.





	Push

**Author's Note:**

> All right I tried getting Connor's personality right, and I hope I did because he was only in the musical alive for fifteen minutes. I don't ask for comments (even though I do appreciate it if you did leave some) but I'm going to ask once; tell me how I did with Connor's personality. Did I fuck up, did I do good?  
> Also, I tried to make Evan's social anxiety as realistic as I could (stuttering, speaking fast, etc) while trying to make Amity's anxiety different but the same as well.  
> Amity is sorta based off of me with the social anxiety and with some of the family situation, I had to make it different because it's not like I can put my whole life story on the internet, right?  
> (there are also some inconsistencies within this such as the dialogue with Connor having long hair and stuff and the new teacher.  
> yeah halfway through I forgot that this was set in January and not the first day of school.  
> For the Connor-situation let's just say Jared and Evan never paid attention to Connor until now, for a weird reason, and he finally notices the hair.  
> As for the teacher that's just a plot hole that I'll fix.)

Going to a new school is always something I fantasized. Meeting new people, being the new kid that was the centre of attention. It would be something new, something of a wonderful experience since I would be new around the school. If I played my cards right I would be a popular kid. I dreamed of this when I was little and faded out of it as I got older, but it didn’t mean I never wanted it to happen.

But, I didn’t want it to start this way.

I arrived in early January, shortly after Christmas break, and everything went normally. I arrived with my mom, Christine, and Nicole. Christine is Nicole's mother in a way, her mother but not her biological mother. My brother was stupid enough to get his ex-girlfriend pregnant and so popped out Nicole.

At first, I wasn't happy, she was just more to onto the baggage of depression, anxiety, and finance, but now I would do anything to protect her. My brother met Christine shortly after as a rebound but we all honestly want her as his wife. She's smarter, kinder, and has a much more supportive family than his last girlfriend (or should I say, previous _girlfriends_.) Because of my brother is one of the reasons we brought Christine and Nicole along. He didn't want her but yet he loved her.

I never understand my brother's mentality sometimes, but then again he is older than me by at least seven years.

When I arrived at the school that morning I could hear murmur's under the student's breath. I honestly hated being in the limelight despite my younger-self wanting this. Thinking everyone was talking about me, making fun of me, or anything in between was a fear of mine.

I never spoke up, I never went to the middle of the room, I never did anything special. I stuck to the crowd, and hated the saying, 'Don't be in the crowd!' Sometimes the crowd is the only place you can get validation. Either your friends to help you or for no one to notice.

My heart beat faster like it was an angry ape pounding on the metal bars of a zoo. I felt heavy like something was causing me to weigh a ton or an elephant weighing on my shoulders.

_Please leave me alone you fuck._

It's stupid to talk to your mental illness, but it helped. Having social anxiety isn't very pleasant, but at least if I could get it to go away, even for a little bit, then I would feel better. I could finally feel _normal_. I wouldn't have the drama follow me around what my brother did or hear the fucking press talking about...

I need to calm down. I never knew how much breathing exercises helped until I started doing them. Six seconds in through the nose, six seconds holding in, and six seconds breathing out through the mouth. I don't have a therapist, but having the internet at your fingertips is one of the greatest inventions ever made.

My heart rate goes down and I feel less hot now. Over-thinking is one of my forte's and not a very good one at that as well. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to stop the self-hatred, I wanted to stop the force stopping me from talking.

That was a thing with my anxiety. I didn't have those voices that were obvious, that told me that I was worthless and that everyone would judge me, but those that were silent and stopped me for no reason. Trying to go up to someone only to be stopped by something, something to tape my mouth closed but nothing going through my mind.

"New girl, right?"

I looked to my left and saw two guys; one with glasses and one with a cast on his arm. I can do this, I can speak to two totally normal guys without fucking it up, right?

"Yeah, Amity Harvey," I shook his extended hand.

"Jared Kleinman, the one behind me is Evan Hansen."

The one behind him shuffled his feet a little before fidgeting with his hands. He spoke low and quiet, something that I couldn't hear well. "Hi."

"So," Jared slapped an arm around my shoulder, "where'd you move from?"

"Colorado."

I could hear Evan hum slightly but stopped. Was Colorado significant to him?

"Oh, that's cool! Evan, you have some siblings in Colorado, right?"

Evan nodded. "Half-siblings."

They walked down the hallway, Jared still rambling on and on. I didn't know how people could have so much energy and talk relentlessly. I never had anything to talk about, nothing significant ever happened to me and the thing that did happen, I couldn't even talk about.

_Anxiety back off._

"What class do you have right now?"

I honestly wasn't even paying attention to anything Jared had been saying. I dug into my bag looking for my schedule, I at least hoped I had it with me, thankfully I did have it with me.

"Math."

"College or Calculus?" he asked me.

"College, I honestly hate math," I groaned, "but somehow enjoy it when I get the hang of it."

"Ah, so what's your pathway?"

_Oh, fuck they have those here too._

"Health," I respond, "but honestly I just want to write. I'm only going into Health because it's interesting. Plus my family were a bunch of Health majors." I finally look to Evan, "How's your arm?"

He looked at me, quite surprised while his hands were fidgeting still. "Hurts still."

"Ech," a weird sound to make, Jesus he'll think of that all day and judge you, "I hope it heals fast."

"Oh look," Jared smiled, it wasn't a kind smile but rather a mocking smile, "Hey, Connor. I'm lovin' the new hair length. Very school shooter chic."

Both Evan and I froze up, now seeing another male, slamming his locker and glaring at Jared. He had shoulder-length hair and clothes as black as everything. He gripped onto his messenger bag glaring a stare I never wanted to see. His eyes were cold and uncaring, very angered and looked like death.

"Calm down, man. It was a joke."

Even I, a sarcastic person with anxiety, did not take that as a joke. I look over to Evan, who seems to be as uncomfortable with this situation as I am, but we both never spoke up.

"Yeah no, it was funny. I'm laughing," he leans forward his stare never wavering, "Can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

Jared turned to walk away, "Come on, Calamity," drags me with him, and I am too afraid to say anything, "he's a freak."

"Shouldn't we—"

"He'll be fine," Jared says as we walk down the hall. "I'll show you to your class."

 

I'm not really sure what happened to Connor or Evan that morning. I just know when I saw him at lunch he looked pretty shaken up. He blubbered at every sentence and looked down most of the time. I stutter but not this much.

"What happened?"

Evan looked up. "N-Nothing. Just-Just a run in with-with Connor."

Jared, who was too busy talking to other students around us, now turned around in interest. "What did school shooter say?"

I lightly hit his arm. "Hey, be nice."

"What," Jared shrugged, "the guy does pot and other shit. This is just playful banter."

"Go ahead Evan," I spoke to Evan who was patiently waiting for an opening.

"Well-well, you see, I, uh, laugh when I-I get nervous, and Connor, he-he thought I was—"

"Laughing at him?" I finished, "Don't worry I understand."

"Yeah, and then," Evan looked down. "Nothing. Nothing else."

He was hiding something. Something else happened that got him shook up. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.

"Come with me," I grab Evan's hand and drag him out of the raging cafeteria. Sometimes my anxiety does that, it goes up when there are loud noises such as this.

We make it to the library which has zero people and the perfect place for a breakdown. When we sit down I notice Evan's breathing becomes ragged and he becomes sweaty. He tries to get words out but nothing comes like he wants to say what's happening.

"Hey," I speak in a soft voice, "I know exactly what you're feeling. You feel like the world is closing in like you're becoming claustrophobic. You feel like everything is coming to an end and everything is your fault. Nod for yes, shake your head for no."

Evan nodded.

"Understand me when I say this, nothing is your fault. Whatever happened will disappear and fade away."

"No it won't!" he cried out softly. "He-he took the paper with him! What if-what if he shows other people or-or ruins my life with it?"

"He won't," I gently hold his free hand, it's sweaty but I know now isn't the time to be picky. "Trust me okay?"

Evan shook his head like he was trying to fight it. "Everything will be alright?"

"Yeah," I nod, "everything will."

His breathing slowed and he took his hand away to fidget again. He looked down avoiding any eye contact with me, so I decided to ask, "What happened exactly?"

He looked up and sighed as if he was trying to regain his breathing for future words. "Connor, he-he—" he stopped abruptly, "My therapist, she told me to write letters to myself as a self-confidence boost. So, I did, in the computer room, and Connor came up to me and we started talking. I forgot about the paper and he had gotten it out of the printer. He then tried to give it to me but started reading it. He thought it was something about Zoe and that I had planned it."

He spoke fast, but I could keep up. "Does he still have the paper?"

Evan nodded. "Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of."

"He may throw it away?" I question hoping it will calm the poor kid down. "Connor is a loner, I don't mean that in a bad way, and most likely doesn't have friends. He wouldn't show it to anyone."

"What about his sister, Zoe?" Evan looks up, totally defeated and broken.

I open my mouth but close it. I don't know how to answer, I don't know how to respond. It honestly depends on their relationship; if it's anything like me and my brother's relationship then most likely not.

"It'll be alright Evan." I hold my hand out to him. "Can you trust me?"

He takes in a deep breath and finally holds my hand again. "I can try."

 

I made my way into my English IV class with Evan. When we arrive he pauses looking at one spot of the room and then avoids it. I stare at the corner, seeing a girl with similar looking hair of Connor's, but a lighter shade with some blonde highlights. I stare down before she can look up, I don't want to look like a stalker. On the opposite side of the room, I notice Connor in which Evan panics on where to sit.

"Sit there," I point, it's near the front of the room on the right row near the window, but far away from the girl and Connor (Connor is on the left side of the room and the girl is on the right near the back.)

Evan sat behind me as I elected to sit in front. The teacher, about mid-forties and dressed in a pantsuit, went up to the podium once everyone had sat down.

"Just because this is your first day back does not mean you can slack off," she simply states before writing her name on the board which reads Mrs. Fletcher, "I am the permanent sub as your previous teacher had a little...accident. You'll be assigned partners for this upcoming project which is an in-depth reading of the Shakespearean plays."

I mostly ignored it until I felt a vigorous tapping on my back. I turned around looking at Evan who was freaking the fuck out. "I got paired with _her_."

"Zoe?"

"Yeah."

A voice rose above Evan and I's hushed voices. "Connor Murphy and Amity Harvey."

What the fuck.

I look up to make direct eye-contact with Connor in which we both diverted our eyes. Look, I don't like to judge a book by its cover but _no_. I can't be partnered up with him.

Evan looked at me, a look of surprise on his face. "Good luck."

Well fuck.

Once the class had ended I followed Connor hoping to talk to him. He had long legs that it was hard to catch up to him, but I did. I'm guessing my medication decided to buck up because I was extroverted right now.

"Hey, Connor right?"

He kept walking gripping his bag.

I huffed. "Look, I know you don't want to work on this project with me as much as the next person but guess what, I'm here and you're here."

He turned around abruptly with anger in his eyes. "If you know what I'm going to say then why don't you just leave me the fuck alone?"

I cleared my throat asserting dominance. "'Cause, we're in this together."

He stepped closer pure hatred and malice in his eyes. "Stop trying to be all buddy-buddy with me when you're just like all the others!"

I took a step back, I never did like people yelling at me. "I-I'm not."

"Yeah, you are!" he yelled now closing our proximity. "You think I'm a fucking freak! A pothead who is a lowlife and worth nothing!"

"You're not," I say quietly, "and I'm not trying to be all buddy-buddy. I just want to work with you."

"Well, I don't. I don't even want to work with me."

"Please," I didn't use that begging voice, but I beg nonetheless. "Work with me, one time, and if you don't want to after that then I'll take over the project and all you have to do is read the notecards."

Connor stopped anger in his eyes but hesitating, before sighing. "You better not make me regret this."

 

I walk with Connor to his house with nothing but quietness between us. Evan had been texting me telling me that Zoe had told her parents about Connor and me. When I had stepped into the house I was automatically greeted with, "Oh my it's true."

"What," Connor aggravatedly said, "that I'm not a total loser?"

I start to reach out but hold back, who knows how far his anger will go. I stand there awkwardly holding my backpack as Connor looks as if he was about to blow.

"Connor," a woman, who I guessed was his mother, stepped forward, "you know we don't—"

"Like fuck, you don't!" he yelled.

He started to go onto a rant, and then he and his mother started to fight. I hated fighting since they never happened much at my place, but I kept my cool without crying. Evan and Zoe appeared at the end of the room watching silently. I could see her mouth, "I'm sorry."

I shake my head to her now taking initiative and grabbing Connor's wrist. "We should go do the project now."

"Hey, I wasn't—"

I tug harder on him hoping to shut him up. All I hear is a yelp from behind as I make up way out to the terrace. I close the door and stand in front of it as Connor stands in front fuming with anger.

"What the actual _fuck_. Why did you intervene?" is this all he did? All he does is yell?

"Because there was no point," I weakly say, "what is going to be accomplished with yelling and fighting?"

"Is that all you care about?" he seethed with anger, "The fucking project?"

"No!" I try to speak louder but nothing rises. "You obviously have problems with your family, so what is going to be accomplished by yelling?"

"They," he jabbed a finger point to the house, "ignored _me_! Only because I wasn't Zoe, because I wasn't the fucking smart one or-or not the fucked up one! In this household, I don't matter! I don't matter to anyone!"

I spoke, regretting my words because there was no evidence to back it up. "What if I told you I cared about you?"

He looked at me, his eyes wide and void of any anger. "I'd say you were fucking lying."

I stood my ground, tears threatening to spill out and my vision wanting to go black. "I'm not."

"Yeah, you are."

"I'm not," I shake my head.

He laughed in a mocking way scratching his head. "And I was going to kill myself later on."

This gave me an idea, a way to help him. Connor looked broken and hid behind anger and self-hatred. All he knew was to draw up conclusions and yell, he didn't know other things, he didn't know life. His parents looked like they were trying to help him, but the damage had been done.

"Let me help you," I speak up and he looks at me like a blank slate, "give me until the end of the year to help you, and if I didn't help you then please, feel free to do it, it means I didn't help you, but if I did, stay."

"No," he said in a low voice. It was like his voice dropped a few octaves. "I let you come here to prove if we could work together, now you want to help me?"

"Connor," I took a step towards him, "I know I am a person who just came into your life and is willing to help you and I know you believe it's bullshit but Connor, please. I _want_ to help you. I don't want to hear your name around the school as the kid who killed himself and that he didn't matter. Honestly, it's fucking horrible, and I don't want to see that happen to you."

He clenched his fists looking down, I know he didn't want to agree with me but I want to give him a reason to stay. If I can help someone in life become a better person it's going to be Connor Murphy. With his stubbornness I expected him to say no, with his anger for him to lash out and leave. I didn't know what to do if he said yes.

"Fine. Help little ole' me in distress."

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know whether or not I want to make this a full-fledged fanfiction. I'd like to, to see how the characters grow and become better, but I have a lot on my plate with two unpublished, in the process fanfictions and two already uploaded. (One I can't even write because I just can't write it.) Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one-shot as much as I did making it.


End file.
